Want a Kid Who Loves Math? Five Things NOT to Do and What to Do Instead

Do you want to raise a kid who loves math? Here are my top tips to produce the results you’re wanting.

1. I did NOT pressure my kids to do math or to excel in math

Instead, we played all sorts of strategic games like checkers, connect 4, chess, Pente and the like. These games build executive functioning skills like planning ahead, waiting patiently, adjusting to unexpected challenges when opponents move, and ultimately, problem solving skills. Spending time in our cerebral cortex practicing these skills in a low stakes game is much more effective, and more fun than trying to learn all of this on the fly as we move through our unpredictable lives.

2. I did not drill them or force them to memorize facts.

Instead, I sent them to Montessori preschools, and implemented Montessori learning concepts at home. Later I helped found a public Montessori elementary charter school so that they and others could experience the beauty of a Montessori elementary program. We emphasize hands on materials for mathematical understanding. Beginning with counting and ordering objects by size in preschool and kindergarten, we move on to understanding place value, operations, fractions, time, and money work all with manipulatives for concrete understanding. Once that understanding is demonstrated through practice with the material, and then we move to more and more abstract materials and very large numbers, typically introducing the concept of one million in 2nd or 3rd grade. Students are moved to paper and pencil operations as they become proficient in the mathematical skills.

3. I did not expect them to love everything I love.

I did imagine that my daughter would love to ride her bike, but she prefers running. I thought my son might enjoy climbing, but he loves mountain biking, and soccer. I learned quickly that wanting a child to enjoy something they don’t is a fruitless effort. Instead, I learned to follow my child’s interests, and to nurture in them their own sparks of curiosity. I certainly never expected either of them to have the love and aptitude for mathematics that they both share. My husband and I are more science nerds than math geeks, but we’ve never shied away from sharing our own scientific interests and curiosity with our kids. Now that they are 10 and 14, we can discuss topics in a new and in-depth way that allows us to see into our children’s thought processes.

4. I did not tell them how important math is.

Instead, I showed them everyday applications for math by asking them to help me figure out how long it would take us to do all the tasks on a list or calculate how much longer until the library opened. I allowed opportunities for fun facts about math or life driven applications of math to genuinely interest me and I allowed them to join me in that interest, or not. I often spoke my own process out loud and as my children learned and grew, we could talk with each other about how we each took different mathematical routes to get to the same result. Discussing mathematical concepts that are interesting is a great way to get kids to love math.

It was helpful that I knew that names of the Montessori math materials at school because I could say things like. “You know the multiplication bead board? I think we could use that to solve this problem. Multiplication is sets of numbers, remember?” And my kids would instantly respond, “Oh yeah! Like 4×2 is 4 twos or 2 fours.” It’s quite remarkable how much math we use in our lives. We use math for baking, accounting, construction projects, hanging art, scheduling appointments, staying within a budget, and so much more. Now my daughter loves to bake, so she loves math even more!

5. We do not have off limits topics with our kids.

Our children are human beings that deserve respect, and not to be protected from life, or death. We are extremely fortunate to have had such little tragedy in our lives so far (our kids ACES scores are lower than ours!), but we have always had an open dialogue about everything from death and dying to sex and our reproductive systems. We talk about dark, sad and difficult things like drug addiction, war, and cancer as well as inspiring and exciting things like new projects to help reverse some of our damage to the natural world. We answer their questions and tell them the truth as we understand it when there’s not a simple answer. I think this communication style is a big part of the reason our kids still talk to us about their lives. I’m certain that having this with my own mom is the only reason I felt safe to call her to come pick me up from a high school party where there was drinking.

All of these choices have contributed to a home in which talking about academic topics is the norm at home. Yesterday I overheard my kids discussing some of their favorite novels and some of the unresolved plot lines and inconsistencies in many fictional stories, especially science fiction. The night before my kids were discussing pi and why it is an irrational number.

I hope you found this information useful in your own parenting journey!

April 15, 2014

9 Gentle Parenting Hacks That Really Work

(I originally wrote this article for Lifehack.org)

Parenting in a gentle and respectful way is no easy task, especially when your child is ignoring you, refusing to cooperate, or outright defying your every request. Sometimes offering a bit more direction can be helpful, but other times, it seems no matter what you do, you end up locked in a power struggle, feeling frustrated, and wondering what you’re doing wrong. After all, they’re supposed to WANT to cooperate when we treat them with love and respect, right? If only it were that easy.

During my years as a preschool teacher and a nanny, my job depended on my ability to remain calm and garner cooperation. I simply couldn’t allow myself to yell, threaten, or physically harm the children in my care. So I was forced to find new and creative ways to deal with defiance that didn’t involve losing my temper and subsequently losing my job.

These simple gentle parenting hacks have REALLY paid off with my own child. Because even though I’m infinitely more sleep deprived and clearly no one can fire me from motherhood, I still have a few tricks up my sleeve that my daughter can hardly resist. I hesitate to call them “tricks,” because it’s not that I want to outsmart or psychologically manipulate my child into compliance. I simply want to get the day’s jobs accomplished with the least amount of resistance or conflict and the most possible fun, care, and connection. And I completely refuse to punish, threaten, or bribe my child unless I absolutely can’t come up with any more creative solutions.

So please take these suggestions in the spirit in which they’re offered. Not as a way to get what you want at the expense of your connection with your child, but as a way to help young people express their underlying needs and desires and still perform the daily tasks that are required of them, such as getting shoes on, getting into their car seat, getting dressed and the like.

OK, so here are my top 9 favorite tips, “tricks” and gentle parenting hacks to help your day with your young child go more smoothly:

1) The Big Race—

Ready, set, go! Young people love to race and be timed to see how long it takes them to do a task they feel confident in. Proposing a race is a great way to get the job done quickly without a fuss because it meets a child’s needs for fun and play even while you’re enjoying the efficiency and speed with which they’ve completed your request. Counting aloud or using a stopwatch is the best way to remind a child that the race is on. But remember, this only works if it’s a fun game, not if it’s overused or used as a threat or a requirement to beat their former time.

2) Surprise me!—

This one is working like a charm right now with my daughter. She loves to surprise one or both of us and also enjoys colluding with one parent to surprise the other, so if she’s resistant to a particular task I simply suggest that I would be VERY surprised if…and then I completely ignore her to give her a chance to complete the task at hand. I’m always sure to give a big reaction, “WHAT?!! You ALREADY brushed your teeth?? Wow!” to encourage a repeat performance at another time. This gives her the satisfaction of a job well done and she gets to impress us with her well-developed skills.

3) Don’t you DARE—

When she’s really feeling defiant, I’ve found that it’s best to go with the defiance and figure out a way for her to do exactly what I want by completely defying what I’m saying. It’s clear to all involved that this is a game and my daughter delights in my protestations, “Oh no! Don’t do THAT! Rats! She’s doing it.” She especially loves the notion that by doing the given task, let’s say, getting her pajamas on quickly, she’s forcing me to do something I don’t want to do. “You’re going to MAKE me read stories, aren’t you? I was really hoping you’d dawdle so that I wouldn’t have to read tonight, but now you’re all ready and I’ll have to read. Awww.”

Children love to reverse roles once in a while so that they’re the more powerful ones, making us do tasks we don’t enjoy, rather than the reverse, which is more often the case. By giving your child this small joy, he can release his feelings of frustration and upset through laughter and connection much of the time. And personally, I much prefer holding space for laughter fits over tantrums.

4) Show me. I’m not sure if you know how—

Young children love to prove their knowledge and prowess, so while you don’t want to minimize their abilities on a regular basis, some strategic questioning of their skills can produce immediate results. “Wait a minute, I’m not sure, do you even KNOW how to put on these shoes?” will often get a much more positive response than, “I know you know how to do that, why won’t you just cooperate?!” That’s because in the first instance, you’re playfully inviting your child to prove that they are capable, while in the second, you’re likely feeling frustrated and wishing there was some way to force them to your will.

5) Will you be my helper?—

Similar to the above, children love to showcase their talents and especially enjoy teaching younger children recently acquired skills. “Will you please help your little sister learn to put her coat on all by herself? She doesn’t know how to do that yet,” will get far better results than a repeated request to get ready and get out the door. If this one doesn’t work right away, drop it and try something else.

6) How many can you pick up?—

When asking a child to put away a large number of objects, say Legos, blocks, trains, stuffed animals or dinosaurs, it’s helpful to turn it into a fun game of counting as you place them into their bin or basket. Sometimes I’ll help, especially to get things started, but usually as soon as I get to 10 the children around me want to participate. I always end the clean up by announcing how many objects we picked up, “Wow! We cleaned up 37 dinosaurs! Who wants to put them back on the shelf?”

7) Let’s pretend—

I don’t know very many kids who happily run out the door and jump into their car seats consistently, especially if they’re not excited about where they’re headed. But even this daily task can be turned into a fun game by pretending to be animals and running, jumping, hopping, skipping, flying, or slithering to the car. How would a cheetah get into a car? What sounds does an eagle make when it lands on its treetop nest? Can you reach your wing under the strap?

Engaging your child’s imagination in the midst of a mindless and required daily task can make life more fun and interesting for both you and your child. Before you know it, you’ll be on the road discussing herbivores and carnivores, making animal noises, or talking in funny accents. Now doesn’t that sound like a lot more fun that listening to a screaming kid who you’ve just physically forced into his car seat.

8) I forget—

“Wait a minute, I forget, where does the dirty laundry go? I can’t remember, what am I supposed to do after I go to the bathroom? Wait a second; is there some sort of utensil I should use to eat my yogurt? Weren’t we going to do something before dinner tonight?”

If your child needs gentle reminders of the rules of the house or the next task on the agenda, pretending to forget so that they can remind you is a great way to help kids feel knowledgeable and responsible. This helps children take ownership of the rules and feel good about remembering. On the other hand, if we continually point out the times when our kids have forgotten the rules, they end up feeling badly and are actually discouraged from taking on more responsibility. Also, when we just repeat the rules to them over and over again, they have no reason to try to remember, they figure we’ll just tell them six times again tomorrow, so instead of repeating yourself, ask your child to remember and everyone will benefit.

If this one doesn’t seem to be working right away, get goofy with it. “Do the dirty socks go on my head? No, that doesn’t seem right. Do they go in the dishwasher? Hmmm. No, I don’t think so. Maybe I should put them on the baby?” Tickling your child’s funny bone is one of the quickest ways to garner their cooperation. It lightens the mood, brings in an element of play, and helps them remember why they like spending time with you. Fun is almost always the perfect antidote to defiance.

9) Oh come on, you can scream louder than that!—

This one I can’t take credit for. But the other day my step-dad told me that just as a child he was with was about to lose it and throw a major tantrum over leaving the park, he simply challenged the child to take it up a notch. “You can do better than that,” he quipped, and the child instantly stopped screaming.

I think this works because instead of resisting the tantrum, we’re actually inviting it. And since the child’s normal expectation is that we’ll resist their protestations, we’ve confused them by eliminating all resistance and instead challenging them to be even more outrageous. This is peculiar and interesting to a child who is experimenting with emotional manipulation and trying to see what he can do to change the situation to her advantage.

Have you ever heard the phrase, “What we resist persists”? I’ve found it to be one of the most universal truths of life. So, by inviting, rather than resisting, we can take the steam out of a tantrum before it starts. And, if a child really does need to express his upset and we’re in a ‘bring it on’ kind of a mood, we’re much better equipped to actually hold space for the tantrum if indeed it ensues.

I’ve found that bringing this attitude to a potential tantrum shortens its length and creates connection. Because when I encourage my child to let out her rage, she feels emotionally validated and she’s able to physically release her “negative” emotions in a healthy way and in a supportive environment. Sometimes I’ll encourage her to hit the bed or roar like a lion but usually these outbursts only last a few minutes if I’m really inviting and encouraging, rather than resisting.

So these are my top 9 favorite ways to encourage cooperation without punishments, threats or bribes. I would love to know if they work for you as well as they do for me! Have a wonderful week, Shelly

November 19, 2013November 19, 2013

5 Habits that Make Parenting Easier

Parenting can be the most wonderful and the most challenging experience of our lives. Things that used to seem easy, like getting to an appointment on time or grocery shopping can become all but impossible. We can easily slip into bad habits that create tension, power struggles, and conflict with the very people with whom we most want to connect, our family members.

The good news is that there are also some really good and positive habits that you can begin to practice that will make every aspect of parenting easier and more fun. And once you’ve engrained these into your life, the daily struggle becomes far more bearable and the moments of joy and ease continue to increase.

Here’s a list of the five habits I most rely upon to make my life as a parent easier. These habits help promote cooperation, connection, and may even get you some down time, imagine that!

1) Warnings for EVERY transition

If there is one thing that makes time with children easier, it’s offering warnings about upcoming events. I know it sounds simple, but it really makes a huge impact.

When I started working with kids as a nanny, I didn’t have this habit, but I soon learned its value when my time with children went from a constant battle at every transition to a smooth and easy transition almost every time.

The trick is to get into the habit of offering a 10 minute, 5 minute and 1 minute warning before EVERY transition. About to have dinner? Offer warnings. Headed out to the store? Warnings. Almost bath time? Warnings.

When you get into the habit of offering these warnings about upcoming transitions, children learn that they don’t have to immediately stop what they’re doing. Instead, they have the opportunity to wind down their play or art project and they are often able to get on board with the next item on the agenda. And even when they’re not able to say yes to a trip to the grocery store, at least they feel honored and respected by your attentiveness and dedication to the warning system.

2) Regular Sleep Schedules

Sleep deprivation is a very real culprit when it comes to maintaining a positive mood and being willing to cooperate with others. This is true both for you and for your kids. When we are sleep deprived, we’re just not as resourceful, happy, or able to adjust. And kids need a LOT of sleep.

My favorite book on sleep is “The No-Cry Sleep Solution” by Elizabeth Pantley. One of the many things I love about this book is that it contains charts so that you can get into the habit of recording your child’s sleep. What I like about this is that it can be a reality check. You may think your 3 year old doesn’t need a nap any more, but depending on how much nighttime sleep she’s getting, she very well may. There’s a great chart in the book that lists the amount of sleep children need based on their age and how most kids break up their total sleep between nighttime sleep and naps.

The great thing about getting into a regular sleep schedule is that your child’s body will learn when naptime and bedtime are and getting them to sleep becomes easier. My daughter will often even say, “I’m tired, I think it’s naptime Mommy.” We rarely have a struggle at bedtime and I think that’s because our routine is so consistent that it just seems like sleep time around 7pm.

3) Gratitude, Kindness, & Appreciation

It’s easy to fall into the trap of negativity, always pointing out the things our children are doing wrong, but this habit rarely helps a child snap out of it. In fact, by putting attention on the things we don’t want, we’re actually conditioning our kids to do more of those things. After all, that’s what gets them the attention they so desperately need. You see, children don’t consciously distinguish between positive and negative attention. They just know on some fundamental level that they need attention, and either kind will suffice.

But when we can get into the habit of appreciating what we do like, noticing the things we’re grateful for, and treating our kids with gentle kindness, they blossom before our eyes. I don’t mean we should ignore bad behavior entirely, just that when kindness and appreciation are our habit, we’ll naturally get more of the behavior we want and less of what we don’t want.

That’s because children are hard wired to seek our approval, after all, they rely upon us for their very survival. They deeply WANT us to be pleased with them, even in the times when it seems like they’re doing everything they can to push our buttons. So, instead of seeing the boundary pushing as an attempt to rattle you, begin to see it as a request for connection and safety. Your child is saying, “Will you still love me, even if I misbehave?”

The more we can reassure our kids that they are innately wonderful and deeply loved and appreciated, the less they’ll need to test or challenge us at every turn. Of course, there’s a certain aspect of testing behavior that is just personality based. Some kids will push our boundaries more frequently, regardless of how often we remind them that they are unconditionally loved. And most kids are incredibly sensitive to our energy and will know just how sincere our appreciation and acknowledgment really is. I think that kids who test us more often just need even more gratitude, appreciation, and acknowledgment for the qualities that we most enjoy.

4) Asking for Help

I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to do it all myself by default. I somehow think that it’s normal to do child-care, buy the groceries, put them away, clean the kitchen, cook a healthy meal, feed my family, put away the leftovers, and play a game with my daughter while I’m doing the dishes. That. Is. Not. Normal. Or at least it shouldn’t be.

Yes, you may be a stay at home mom or dad or a single mom or dad. You might not have family members that live nearby. But no matter what your circumstances, the old adage, “It takes a village to raise a child,” is still true. We MUST get into the habit of asking for help. And that includes asking our kids for help.

Believe me when I tell you that it’s in your child’s best interest to be a contributing member of your household. And if you do have a partner at home, it’s crucially important that you ask for support when you need it, and sometimes even when it would just be really nice. A recent study found that couples who did chores together were more satisfied with the division of labor and had greater marital satisfaction than couples who did chores separately.

And if you don’t have a partner at home, developing the habit of asking for help is key to your survival. By asking friends and family members to help you, you’re expanding your circle of connections and offering people the opportunity to contribute to you. That’s exactly what creates a feeling of community and helps you keep your sanity. Yes, sometimes it’s difficult to ask for help. Do it anyway.

5) Daily Snuggles

Maybe this is my primary love language, physical touch, speaking here, but snuggling up with my daughter is one of the highlights of my day, every day. By making daily snuggles a habitual part of our daily routine we both fill up our love tanks and remember what’s important to us. When her little arms reach around my neck and she says, “Mommy, I love you TOO much!” I simply melt. These moments are what make all the hard work, sacrifice, stress, and difficulty of parenting 100% worth it.

Make sure you get your tank filled on a daily basis. And if you’re not sure what it is that fills up your tank, think about the moments when everything feels good and right. And make more of those moments. Build them into your day so that they become a habit. And then go back to those wonderful moments in your mind, whenever you start to feel stressed or freaked out.

So, there you have it, my five habits to help make your parenting journey easier and more enjoyable for everyone. I hope they work as well for you as they do for me!

Have a fantastic week and please share your own ideas for habits that make parenting easier.

Photo by Heidi Thomas Thomasandvelophotography.com

September 3, 2013September 3, 2013

Why it’s Important to Read to Your Child Daily

Guest Post

Parenting has its fine moments when you’ve recently given birth and you’re looking at your little angel all snuggled up at home. Like a sponge absorbing every little smell, sight and sound, your child will use everything around him to orient himself and build the foundations of what will become his basic core as a person. According to Dr. Tim Kimmel, author of Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right, building character can help raise your child to be happy, confident and strong to reach his potential in the future. Raising him this way requires a hands-on approach and none exemplifies this method more than reading to your child.

Reading is considered one of the best ways to spend quality time and can act as early training to build a foundation in literary skills as well. A study conducted by the National Academy of Education and the National Institute of Education in 1985, determined that the most important thing a parent or teacher of an early learner can do is to read aloud to him. Apart from laying the groundwork for reading, you’re also teaching your child listening skills that will help him concentrate on what you’re relaying and therefore increase attention span. You, as a parent, can also impart specific values by choosing books that have moral lessons incorporated in the story. All in all, studies have shown that children who have a prior background to reading achieve greater success in systemic reading education. While we thought that bedtime stories are nothing more than little indulgences, it actually provides your child with structure and trains the body to have a regular sleeping pattern.

Think of it this way: won’t it be nice when the earliest memory your child has of you is the time you spent snuggled up on the couch or in bed reading together? The most precious thing we can give children is our time and if we spend it with them, they will remember it when they grow up and are likely to do the same for their kids. Start early. Don’t wait until they’re running up and down the stairs with their iPad in tow. Whisper to them stories while they’re still wrapped in their Marks and Spencer baby clothes looking at you with those glowing eyes and innocent smiles. Believe me, it’s worth it.

July 24, 2013July 24, 2013

How to Hold Space for a Tantrum and Actually Enjoy Yourself

This morning we made it all the way to the car with everything we needed for the day but for some reason when I suggested that my daughter hand me her lunch box so that she could climb into the car, she freaked. After some tears and some pushing me away and something garbled that I couldn’t quite understand, I did get her to agree to let me lift her into the car seat (which she usually HATES) so that she could hold on to her lunch box the entire time. She cried for a while in the car on the way to school. It wasn’t a complete meltdown, but it reminded me how confusing it is when kids get upset and we don’t know why.

Their emotions are so big sometimes and it’s hard to understand exactly why they’re freaking out.

I think that tantrums are some of the most frustrating, upsetting, and confusing experiences we have with our kids. It’s mind boggling to see how out of control they can become over such seemingly meaningless stuff like whether or not they got to have one more bedtime story. Kids can work themselves up into a frenzy over things that appear to us to be completely mundane and innocuous.

Holding space for big feelings is something I’m passionate about, probably because I wanted someone to do the same for me as a kid. In fact, I love it when my husband, friends, and family members hold space for my big feelings now. It’s a huge gift to be invited to fully feel without being silenced, judged, or convinced out of my anger or sorrow. So I’ve developed five steps to holding space for a tantrum that will leave you feeling more peaceful and connected to your child at the end of a meltdown than you did before it began.

Step 1: Remember it’s not about the blue cup

The reasons for a tantrum can be a varied as the people having the tantrum are but remembering that tantrums are usually NOT about the purported upset and are actually often an excuse to release the tension of the day can help you to remain calm and centered as you hold space for your child.

Some common causes of tantrums are: over-tiredness, hunger, social conflict, and unmet needs for autonomy. Remembering these can help you reflect on how to avoid tantrums in the future, rather than remaining stuck in the confusion of trying to understand why your child (who by now you might suspect is insane) is having such an overreaction to the fact that she got the red cup instead of the blue cup. Yes, the color of the cup really does matter to her. AND she’s using this as an opportunity to release pent up emotions, which is ultimately a good thing.

Step 2: Breathe and relax

Easier said than done when faced with a raging or weeping young person. But when we can relax and breathe deeply during a tantrum, we’re effectively managing our own emotions and helping our kids to regulate too. Mirror neurons in our brains cause us to automatically match the emotional energy of the people near us, that’s probably why laughter is so contagious and why we cry at sad movies.

The good news is that we can use these neurons to our advantage by choosing to remain peaceful during a child’s outburst. Kids are naturally inclined to return to a regulated state if they’re near someone else who is feeling peaceful. So take this opportunity to practice the meditation of equanimity, simply being with what’s so without judging it or pushing it away.

Step 3: Don’t take it personally

This is a tricky one, especially if your child likes to scream things like, “I hate you!” during a tantrum. But if you can remember that your child’s upset is more about his unmet needs and less about you or your actions, you may be able to see that having big feelings is just a normal part of life and it’s not your fault that your child is having a meltdown.

When we can stop taking our children’s big feelings personally, we can begin to offer empathy and compassion without needing to backpedal on the boundaries we’ve just set.

“I hear that you’re really upset and I understand that it’s hard to hear no. I love you and it’s OK to cry as much as you need to.”

Step 4: Celebrate your child’s release

I don’t know about you, but when I’m feeling tense a good cry feels great. I might not enjoy it during the crying (although sometimes I do) but I almost always feel MUCH better afterward. I like to imagine that the emotional system is similar to the digestive system. We take in stimulus, we use what we need for our wellbeing, and we’re left with waste products that need to be expelled. I see crying as one of those healthy waste products of our emotional system.

So the next time your child is having big feelings, try celebrating it. “Oh it feels so good to get that out of your body, huh?” By taking an attitude of celebration you’re doing two things, first you’re embracing your child just as he is, letting him know that you love him no matter what he’s feeling and second, you’re re-framing the experience as a positive one for both of you.

It’s good to let our feelings out and share them with our loved ones. read more