It's hard not to take certain things kids say personally. I might be smiling, but I'm just an inch away from the taking-it-personally vortex.
The taking-it-personally vortex
Kids always have a positive intention
I know it sounds like an outrageous claim, but the truth is that kids always have a positive intention behind EVERY action. Even when he’s smearing peanut butter all over your computer keyboard, or convincing his little sister to eat dog food he has a positive intention. And when she’s cutting her hair, coloring on the walls with crayons, or purposely waking up the baby, even then, she has a positive intention.
Kids, just like the rest of us, are just trying to get their needs met. They may not always have the most effective strategies for getting what they want, but they’re always doing their best and responding to the world around them.
The joys and challenges of spending the holidays with family
Happy holidays everybody! I hope you’re having a lovely time together as a family and I know that when we get extra time together with our immediate families and especially when we spend time with extended family, tensions can run high. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.
Almost inevitably when we celebrate with our families, there’s someone whose beliefs are different from our own, or there’s a sibling or parent who treats us in just the same way they treated us when we were five or who treats our children in ways we don’t enjoy. The holidays can be a time of joy and celebration, and a time that warrants a lot of introspection, conflict resolution skills, and mediation between family members.
“Have to?” Are you sure about that?
I’m gearing up for a five-day retreat in which I’ll study Nonviolent Communication Mediation intensively. As many of you know, I work as a mediator and Shelly and I use the insights of Nonviolent Communication, based on the work of Marshall Rosenberg, in our work here at Awake Parent.
One of my favorite insights, or, “reframes,” as my girlfriend likes to call it, is taking the phrase “I have to…” and rephrasing it as, “I choose to…because I want…” So, for example, “I have to go to this stupid job I hate,” might become something like, “I choose to keep this job because the salary affords me things I want and need, like health insurance, and the peace of mind that comes with knowing I have reliable income.”
The upside of anger
OK, I’ll admit it, I haven’t seen the movie, The Upside of Anger, but I have experienced the benefits of anger for myself. I know it sounds strange, but hear me out.
As a young child I was terrified of anger. I was pretty much convinced that anger was the exact opposite of love and I did whatever I could to avoid the wrath of my parents. My theory about anger was proven right when I saw my parents who were often angry at each other eventually stop loving each other and divorce. So I resolved never to induce anger in others and also never to express it. You see, I’m all about the love and since anger was the opposite of love it had to go.