Happy Gregorian New Year! Whatever calendar we may observe as part of our many traditions, the popularity and ubiquity of the Gregorian New Year offers us a time to reflect, regroup and realign with what we want most.
This past October, as part of my year-long program studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC) mediation, I went on one of three retreats. I got to deepen my NVC skills, learn new ways of approaching mediation, and make many wonderful connections with other mediators.
One powerful demonstration stood out in my mind. John Kinyon, one of my mentors, stood with one foot in front of the other. He said he was about to recall something he was upset or angry about, and to think of it in “jackal” or judgmental terms, such as “that person’s a jerk,” (or bad, or wrong or similar). He did so, and asked a volunteer to attempt to push him off balance. John got knocked over quite easily.
Then, he stopped and asked himself what he was needing. For example, peace, support, or respect. He allowed himself to “drop down into,” or really feel the awareness of that need, beneath the judgment. The volunteer attempted once again to knock John off balance and was not able to do so. We got together into pairs and tried the exercise–it worked! When I dropped down into my need beneath my judgment, I felt calm, solid, and grounded, and in fact was not pushed over.
What does any of this have to do with the Gregorian New Year?
Well.
We tend to make resolutions, or set goals, in terms of specific strategies, like wanting to lose a certain amount of weight, or getting a particular job, or other markes of success.
I’m wondering what might happen if we first tuned into our needs…really felt them deeply…and let the strategies, or specific goals, emerge from there? For example, instead of saying, I want to be a better parent, or I want to spend more time with my child, or I’d like to be more consistent about discipline, what if I listened for what’s underneath those goals? For me it would be something like:
Id’ really like a deeper sense of connection and trust with my son. I need connection and trust.
I’d like us to enjoy each other more and share more laughter. I need joy and laughter.
I’d like to create scenarios where cooperation follows from connection, rather than obedience following from fear. I need cooperation.
When I read these words, I feel relief and relaxation. I think it’s because I’m connecting with something that feels like a full and rich opportunity rather than a task on a to-do list.
I have been experimenting with trying to tune into those deeper needs in mind as I move throughout the day. For example, when I feel anxious or overwhelmed (never happens to a parent, right?), I have been trying to remember to drop down into what my need is. Often it is support!
Sometimes when I become aware of this I feel some sadness that I don’t have the support I want in that moment. Once I feel that, I can move toward asking, How can I get the support I need? I enjoy this much more than simply feeling anxious and overwhelmed.
Asking ourselves what we need in 2010 is a great start to beginning a new level of connection with our needs. What do you really need in 2010? Please tell us.
Once January is over, let’s remember to check in with ourselves frequently during each day, to help take care of our precious selves. As a great perk, the better care we give ourselves, the better care we can give to all our loved ones.
Let us know how it goes!
Warmly,
Jill