While responding to Jasmine’s comment last week, I started thinking about the different ways I handle behaviors that challenge me. While there are probably an infinite number of ways I respond, I can think of two main ways: vulnerable and controlling.
A simple way of breaking it down is, sometimes, when I feel sad, angry or frustrated, I feel myself opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling. Sort of an “Ahhhhhh” sense to it. That’s the vulnerable way.
Other times, I feel myself contracting, pushing the feeling aside and trying to control the situation. More of “Spit-spot, let’s go!”-Mary Poppins sort of feel to it. (Well, on a good day.)
Usually, when I’m with my son, I tend to contract and try to control whatever behavior is stimulating my sadness, anger or frustration. Not wanting to be controlled, my son rebels. Who can blame him? I was (ok, am) exactly the same way.
It’s hard for me to remember that I also have the vulnerable option: opening, expanding, and dropping down into the feeling.
If I want my son to be able to express himself in this way, and receive other peoples’ vulnerable expressions with love and kindness, hadn’t we better start at home?
It’s a hard enough thing, sometimes, to remember to do with other adults. With an unbridled, unpredictable, loud, careening child, sometimes I feel like I’d be lucky to be able to pull this off once a year.
But when I do, I notice that I start to look at him differently. I see him as someone with vast human ability, a complex human, rather than an object in my orbit to be managed.
Also, by being vulnerable, I show him I respect him enough to trust him with my feelings. Not burden him inappropriately by dumping stuff on him he can’t handle, nor by attacking him, but by sharing gently and openly how what I see and hear affects me.
For example, instead of saying, “Please take the cymbals out of the kitchen,” I might say, “Ouch, those hurt my ears. It’s hard to hear myself think. Would you be willing to play with those in the other room?”
In other words, I can start with myself and what’s going on with me. “Wow, that was hard to hear, kind of felt like a slam in the gut.” “Aargh, I’m really frustrated, I spent a lot of time putting that stuff together and really liked it the way it was. I’m sad, and disappointed to see it all over the floor!”
By starting with sharing our feelings, we get to practice and model the same skill we want to teach: use your words! But with the added step of sharing our feelings first.
Warmly,
Jill
P.S. What kinds of words have you been using with the young ones in your life? We love to hear about it. Share your stories and thoughts below in the comment box…
As for feelings words we like to keep it basic and not too confusing. “happy, sad, mad/angry, frustrated, scared, hurt, hurt feelings, grumpy… as in : “I feel _____ when _____”. or “Are you feeling ____ about ____?”.
We also like to use words like respect, love, kindness, responsibility, recycle, please, thank you, appreciate, appropriate.
“Your sister really loves you, and you love her. Lets talk to (or treat) each other with kindness and respect so we are showing our love. We can do this even when we are frustrated or angry”.
“I really appreciate you teaching your brother how to listen by listening to/doing what I say right away, Thank you”.
” It is your responsibility to feed the dogs, will you please go ahead and do that now?”
“The grass is an appropriate place to run around and act crazy”
My 5yr old son often notices litter and says “someone is ruining the earth right there”, so we also talk about global, and community responsibilities, and respecting the planet, animals, and all other things.
~Jasmine