Sometimes the best and simplest solutions are the hardest to remember. I’m not sure why that is. Back in the days when Shelly and I lived in the same city and taught classes “real-time,” one of the things we brought up frequently was that in real life, you don’t really get “rewinds,” where you can go back and start over. So we’d replay challenging situations and get to try out new behaviors so we could become comfortable with them.
However, you *can* start over in real life. Well, not really, in the sense that the past is still there. But you can “rewind,” if both people agree.
The other day, I talked to my girlfriend in a way neither of us really liked. It took us in an uncomfortable direction. On a lark, I said, “Let’s start over.” All four of our shoulders fell several inches in relief.
And you know what? The new beginning was just as good as if the old beginning had never happened. Why is that?
I think it’s because, most of the time, when we head down a path that feels like it just isn’t working, everyone involved can feel trapped. So starting over gives the opportunity to pick a different beginning point, which most people want anyway if where they are isn’t working.
This trick can work with grownups, kids, and everyone in between. You can offer it to young people as a way to have a “second chance,” in a warm and playful way. Not as if they were somehow bad or wrong, but as an offering of another option. “Ooh, that didn’t work for me so well–would you like to start over?”
When we feel scared, hurt, angry, or a whole host of other emotions, we can default into ways of being that don’t help connect or get us where we want to go. Try playing with this technique of starting over, and see if you can’t create more beautiful pathways–let us know how it goes!
Warmly,
Jill
Hi Jill and Shelly,
Your “start over” technique couldn’t have come at a more fortuitous time. My husband and I were on the brink of separation. I didn’t want to admit I was running away from my fear of life going back to the way it was, my anger, hurt and resentment over the way I felt I was treated when we were married, and especially the shame and remorse that consumed me about mistakes I had made while trying to deal with that anger, hurt and resentment. I couldn’t forgive myself, so I wasn’t able to accept his forgiveness. But things came to a head, and somehow we managed to come back to each other, take a leap of faith to start again. It’s never too late. But never say never!
Hi Jill,
I was having a hard time getting my daughter to sit forward facing in her car seat the other afternoon so I could buckle her in and take her home from daycare. We were both getting nowhere as she held on to anything she could grab with all her might and it was becoming quite a battle. I just stood there holding on to her feet trying to keep her in her seat and thought wow this is not working. So I told her, this really isn’t working for either of us. How about we start over and this time I will let you climb up into your seat and sit down all by yourself, like a big girl. I had to repeat it one more time to make sure she heard me before I let go and she gladly got out of the van, I closed the door and walked back a few steps to the curb. Then I approached the van the same way we did before, pretending to blast off, but instead of putting her in her seat I placed her on the ground and let her get in and she did it quickly and willingly. I am so glad I read this section about rewinding and starting over, this was so helpful!