Shelly and I spend a lot of time talking about how to do this and how to do that. We get feedback that this is helpful.
But lately, I’m getting curious about all the ways I and other parents do things completely off script, out of bounds and with little or no precedent. Outside the box, if you will.
I realize that when enough people do things “differently,” we create new norms and new trends—hence, the phrase “conscious parenting:” let’s choose what we want to create instead of just rehashing what our parents did just because it’s all we know. (We might still choose to do all or most things the same way, but choosing is different than repeating on auto-pilot!)
So, when my partner and I decided to separate, we did things very differently than most other folks I’ve met. In some ways, this came naturally, since we had a marriage that was pretty different, at least in some ways, from most. But that’s another story.
First off, we lived together for a year and a half after we decided we were no longer going to be romantic partners. For a long time, even though we had separate bedrooms, Cainan didn’t even know we weren’t “married” anymore. After all, we still did our daytime activities pretty much the same as before.
When he learned we’d be separating into two households, Cainan started to talk about the new arrangements with excitement in his voice. I asked him how he felt about the upcoming changes. He said, “Good,” and kept on talking.
Granted, he may have, and continue to have challenges around this. But it won’t be because we told him something bad was happening. We never sat him down and said, “We’re getting a divorce,” because those words never felt true to his dad and me. What was true was that we got along much better after splitting up, and are now extremely close, beloved family members—for keeps. This year and half has helped create a gentle transition. Because we’ve done everything so far without lawyers, the language we’ve used, the terms we’ve set, and the tone we’ve created, have all been our own, and all been, for the most part, infused with love and gentleness.
So, what Cainan knows is that “Da-da” and I need a situation where we each have a little more space to live our lives the way we want. He knows we’re still a family, still love each other (we hug a lot) and deal with most of our differences peacefully.
I realize I am extremely lucky, blessed, fortunate, or whatever you want to call it. Not everyone can create this kind of separation. I couldn’t have done it without a cooperative partner.
But my point is, when I looked around at how people did things, I saw much more abruptness and disconnect than I wanted. I saw systems, language and behaviors I would have been terrified and distressed to engage in. I, too, played a part in that I decided I wanted to do things outside the box. This decision helped create the situation I’m fortunate enough to find myself in now. Even though the decision to separate was difficult, and I went through a period of deep grief, I found peace on the other side. And my son’s dad kept his hand extended to me throughout.
Together, we created our own sweet, loving way to do things. Today, I remain as much a part of his extended family as ever. Love truly does make a family. We made our own way to this unusual reality.
And you can make your way to yours, too.
In fact, I bet you probably are doing a number of things your own way already, just because you’ve found something that works better than what you’ve heard (or maybe got an idea and ran with it?)
Do you have a situation in which you see the expected script but want to create your own? Or do you see a situation you’d like to create differently but aren’t sure how?
Please share what you’ve created, or would like to create in the comment box below…
Our family also has created a very peaceful two-home family. We also lived in the same house for almost a year after deciding to separate, and I was very supportive of helping my little girl’s daddy keep our house so that my little one wouldn’t feel an abrupt transition to two new homes. We worked with mediators to make decisions about how we wanted to continue our interactions, and came to an agreement that is very flexible, yet includes all of the important pieces that both of us felt strongly about.
We have never used the word “divorce”, and only once has my little girl shown sadness about our new situations. It was short-lived, understood, compassionately responded to, cried through, and then not brought up again. So different than what I experienced as a child – issues that were never discussed or resolved.
I have been very honest with my little one (now 4) about the reasons for the separation, and she has accepted it all very happily, as there is no blame in any of my talk.
I would like to mention that from the inside of the marriage relationship, it did not look like there would be an option for an easy, or amicable separation and divorce, but I was persistent and compassionate towards my little girl’s dad, and that eventually made a big difference. I have never called him my “ex” and have always spoken respectfully about him, even when others did not. This has been really hard sometimes, but seeing my little girl, and knowing how hard it was growing up with negativity between divorced parents made the hard things easy in a way they never could have been without having her in my heart.
In joy,
Lisa Kathleen
Thanks for posting this entry. I am having seemingly-insurmountable challenges with the father of our 4 year old, but have been shying away from living separately because of not wanting to traumatize our little one.
Reading your story, and the comment, have given me inspiration that separation doesn’t have to be traumatic. I know how much energy relationship dynamics can take, and wanted to express appreciation for your taking time and energy to share your experience. Peace, steph
Creating Wholeness
Our most recent Family Meeting ended in a clear vision that met the needs of the 4 adults and 3 children that make-up our two homes. The constellation of us looks like– My partner Mark and I, our baby and Sky whose Mama is Dana. Dana, who I consider one of my dear friends, is married to her partner and they just had a baby exactly 6 months after us. M
(Establishing a close bond with with my partner’s former mate was a conscious act to create peace and harmony between our households and in opening to her, I made an invaluable friend)
We live in two houses, less than a mile a part and have gone to great lengths to make our two-household family as whole as possible. While the love that is present between all of us is palpable, it doesn’t make the reality that Sky has two distinct homes go away. It feels good to speak that, as generating an environment of wholeness when the source energy of the child is no longer merged via his/her parents can be tricky business. Thankfully, alternatives and creativity can make separation so much healthier than our current societal model.
What we concluded in our most recent talk was that ideally having our homes adjacent to each other so that Sky can flow more fluidly between our homes would be the best option. Sky has expressed that it is difficult bonding with one family and then letting go each week. (we do one week with each family) Even though we have a weekly dinner at alternating houses so that we keep a connection flowing between our homes, there is still a very strong physical, emotional connection that is impacted through the shifting.
We hope that moving physically closer will help ease the transitions, supply the needed space and autonomy the adults need and create a more relaxed version of co-parenting.
A happy divorce? Well you make it Alot better when you are staying civil as you are. it’s rare to see anyone that polite to each other while deciding to go different ways in life. living close by each other is Great for your children and will make it alot easier for them to stay in touch with both of you while they wwill have alot more freedom as to where they wanna spend the night and so forth. Hope you will find a good solution for you guys!
Thank you, Lisa Kathleen, Steph, Marcella and Design your own clothes. It’s always good to know when my words make an impact. Yours are making an impact on me, too. LK, I especially appreciate your decision to not call your former partner your “ex.” It’s such a harsh word, and though it may fit for many, it’s good to know we have the option to choose otherwise. Thanks for modeling that for me. Steph, I so hope you find a way to have peace…it seems what a few of us have noticed is exactly what you did–*how* we approach the changes can tremendously affect how our children experience the changes. Marcella, I appreciate your glimpse of the future, and the factors to keep in mind as my son’s dad and I navigate this transition. It sure helps to hear peaceful and optimistic voices of those who have gone through it! DYOC, maybe we will make t-shirts with our new insights in the form of slogans ;-). Cheers, Jill
Hello my name is mary i have a testimony to share with you all today well I have been married for 5 years because I was unable to give birth to a child my husband ran away from me and he said he never love me again and he does not want to see me any more. i cried and suffered until i was directed to this man called odoma who is a magician. i was told of his power i never believed him until he make my dream come through. this man make my husband to come back for me in just two days and within a view time i was pregnant and i delivered a bouncing baby boy. my husband promise never to live again and now we are living fine and happy. if you are in any distress call on him or message him via odomasolutiontemple@gmail.com now and he will help you and will make you smile. again this is the magician odomasolutiontemple@gmail.com