Four ways to keep old friendships alive after kids

This post is part of our Whole Life Parenting series.

I was talking with a friend the other day, who marveled at how her whole friendship landscape had changed after having kids. She said, “I have three kinds of friends now: Those who no longer call me, those who treat me exactly the same as before I had kids, and those who now have kids of their own, so they get it.”

Sure, we might find the rare childless friend who actually gets how much support parents need and how little we get, who says, Hey, I was just going to read a good book tonight, why don’t I come over and babysit so you can have a night out? Or, the kid-at-heart who calls and spontaneously suggests you and your family hop on out for a jaunt to the zoo or seaquarium.

But mostly, after we become parents, our old friends keep going on about their business, and we either follow along, or drop out of their consciousness.

How do we keep those friendships alive, and nurture the parts of us old friends remember and reflect back to us? No matter how much we love our families, no one will ever elicit quite the giggles and nostalgia that a friend from ten, fifteen or twenty years ago will.

Here’re some ways to keep breathing life into those precious relationships:

1) Tell your childless friends about the reality of your life. Suggest things to do that you love in ways that now make sense for you.

“I would love to go on that four-day, seven hundred dollar spa retreat two states away, but I can’t afford the money or the time away from my family. How about a pedicure Sunday morning?” Some of my friends have responded by turning their own events into child-friendly ones and inviting other families with children. This makes it so much easier!

Commit to Old Friend Time—then make it happen!

If you have to beg, buy, borrow or steal babysitting, get away with those who know you best, and let them help you remember the old you. Whether it’s hiking, shopping, reminiscing,  or going to the movies, pick up the activities you used to love to do before you had kids, and connect with the folks you used to do them with. It will help you feel more rejuvenated and whole, and you’ll have that much more excitement and energy to bring to your family.

I try to see my best friends at least once a week. If it gets beyond two weeks, by the time I get around to connecting, it’s like a huge drink of water after being parched. It’s so wonderful to remember things like, Oh, yes, I do still have a (an adult) sense of humor!

Invite old friends to combined kid-grownup activities (See Eight ways to party like it’s 2009). This way you can have your cake and eat your cupcakes, too. Yes, it’s a different party now. You and your old friends will get to rock out in new ways.

Ask for help. Sometimes childless friends are daunted, bewildered, envious, or dealing with other feelings that make it hard to connect with you now that you’re a parent. If you can show some vulnerability and reach out to let your friends know you’d still like to lean on them from time to time, it can give them a way to plug in to you and your new routine. “Hey, would you like to stop by an hour or two before the party? I could use some help with setup and it would be great to get some alone time with you.” Or invite your childless friend to come see your child perform or play a sport.

Not everyone wants to or can handle continuing a friendship when just one of you starts a family. But with a little creativity and gentle prodding, you may well find that there’s still a good deal more available in those old friendships than meets the eye.

How have your old friendships fared now that you’re a parent? I’d love to hear about it in the comment box below.

Love and hugs,

Jill