Want a Kid Who Loves Math? Five Things NOT to Do and What to Do Instead

Do you want to raise a kid who loves math? Here are my top tips to produce the results you’re wanting.

1. I did NOT pressure my kids to do math or to excel in math

Instead, we played all sorts of strategic games like checkers, connect 4, chess, Pente and the like. These games build executive functioning skills like planning ahead, waiting patiently, adjusting to unexpected challenges when opponents move, and ultimately, problem solving skills. Spending time in our cerebral cortex practicing these skills in a low stakes game is much more effective, and more fun than trying to learn all of this on the fly as we move through our unpredictable lives.

2. I did not drill them or force them to memorize facts.

Instead, I sent them to Montessori preschools, and implemented Montessori learning concepts at home. Later I helped found a public Montessori elementary charter school so that they and others could experience the beauty of a Montessori elementary program. We emphasize hands on materials for mathematical understanding. Beginning with counting and ordering objects by size in preschool and kindergarten, we move on to understanding place value, operations, fractions, time, and money work all with manipulatives for concrete understanding. Once that understanding is demonstrated through practice with the material, and then we move to more and more abstract materials and very large numbers, typically introducing the concept of one million in 2nd or 3rd grade. Students are moved to paper and pencil operations as they become proficient in the mathematical skills.

3. I did not expect them to love everything I love.

I did imagine that my daughter would love to ride her bike, but she prefers running. I thought my son might enjoy climbing, but he loves mountain biking, and soccer. I learned quickly that wanting a child to enjoy something they don’t is a fruitless effort. Instead, I learned to follow my child’s interests, and to nurture in them their own sparks of curiosity. I certainly never expected either of them to have the love and aptitude for mathematics that they both share. My husband and I are more science nerds than math geeks, but we’ve never shied away from sharing our own scientific interests and curiosity with our kids. Now that they are 10 and 14, we can discuss topics in a new and in-depth way that allows us to see into our children’s thought processes.

4. I did not tell them how important math is.

Instead, I showed them everyday applications for math by asking them to help me figure out how long it would take us to do all the tasks on a list or calculate how much longer until the library opened. I allowed opportunities for fun facts about math or life driven applications of math to genuinely interest me and I allowed them to join me in that interest, or not. I often spoke my own process out loud and as my children learned and grew, we could talk with each other about how we each took different mathematical routes to get to the same result. Discussing mathematical concepts that are interesting is a great way to get kids to love math.

It was helpful that I knew that names of the Montessori math materials at school because I could say things like. “You know the multiplication bead board? I think we could use that to solve this problem. Multiplication is sets of numbers, remember?” And my kids would instantly respond, “Oh yeah! Like 4×2 is 4 twos or 2 fours.” It’s quite remarkable how much math we use in our lives. We use math for baking, accounting, construction projects, hanging art, scheduling appointments, staying within a budget, and so much more. Now my daughter loves to bake, so she loves math even more!

5. We do not have off limits topics with our kids.

Our children are human beings that deserve respect, and not to be protected from life, or death. We are extremely fortunate to have had such little tragedy in our lives so far (our kids ACES scores are lower than ours!), but we have always had an open dialogue about everything from death and dying to sex and our reproductive systems. We talk about dark, sad and difficult things like drug addiction, war, and cancer as well as inspiring and exciting things like new projects to help reverse some of our damage to the natural world. We answer their questions and tell them the truth as we understand it when there’s not a simple answer. I think this communication style is a big part of the reason our kids still talk to us about their lives. I’m certain that having this with my own mom is the only reason I felt safe to call her to come pick me up from a high school party where there was drinking.

All of these choices have contributed to a home in which talking about academic topics is the norm at home. Yesterday I overheard my kids discussing some of their favorite novels and some of the unresolved plot lines and inconsistencies in many fictional stories, especially science fiction. The night before my kids were discussing pi and why it is an irrational number.

I hope you found this information useful in your own parenting journey!

November 7, 2013May 26, 2017

What Everybody Ought to Know About Talking to Kids About Sex

Well, it happened. I was rocking Julia before bed a couple of weeks ago and out of the blue she asked, “Mommy? How did Daddy get the seed into your mouth to start a baby growing?” I was a bit surprised to say the least, she’s only three years old after all, but I calmly replied, “Well, he actually put the seed into my vagina, not into my mouth.” To which she replied, “Well what did he use to get it in there?” And I said, “He used his penis. You know, I have a wonderful book called, ‘Where Did I Come From’ that tells all about how a baby starts to grow. Would you like to read that tomorrow?” After an enthusiastic “YES!” I eventually got her to calm down and go to sleep.

The following evening we sat down and read the very same book that my mom read to me when I was a young girl. “Where Did I Come From” by Peter Mayle

The thing I love about this book is that while it’s lighthearted in spots, it also includes scientific details and it doesn’t leave anything out. After having this book read to me as a young girl, I knew exactly how babies are made. Having that information early also opened the door to future conversations about STDs, pregnancy prevention, and even drugs and alcohol.

I’ve always been super grateful that my mom was so forthright, honest, and willing to talk with me about sex. I believe that it’s lead to my healthy sex life and a clear understanding of the pitfalls and dangers of unprotected sex. I’ve known how pregnancy happens since I was very young, so when my peers said weird and untrue things like, “You can’t get pregnant the first time,” I knew the truth.

As we were reading, I noticed that during the description of sex, Julia tuned out and began to look around the room. Then, when the baby started growing inside the mother, she was very interested again. I think it’s because she’s not quite ready to process the details of what having sex is and she clearly has no interest in that part of the story. What she’s curious about is how babies are made and how they grow inside the mother.

Talking with kids about sex isn’t a one-time thing. There is no “the talk.” In reality, teaching children about sex is a series of lots of little conversations over time. By treating sex as just another normal topic of conversation, we can invite our children to come to us with their thoughts, ideas, and questions about this mysterious act.

And that really pays off big time when our sweet babies become teenagers and consider becoming sexually active themselves.

Because my mom and step-mom both talked to me frankly about my changing body when I went through puberty and about sex when I became interested, I knew that using multiple forms of birth control is the safest route if you don’t want to get pregnant. And I was aware that even though I was on the pill, it was still important to use condoms to protect myself from sexually transmitted diseases. I even learned about masturbation from a book that my step-mom recommended called, “Girls and Sex.”

I was also regularly encouraged in locating clinics nearby to get tested and to insist that my partners to get tested. I think it was much easier for me to have those conversations with potential new partners because I had grown up talking about sex. Again, it was just a normal topic of conversation for us.

The only thing I wish I’d known about as a younger woman is the wonderful information in “Taking Charge of Your Fertility” by Toni Weschler. I didn’t read it until I was trying to get pregnant the first time and I couldn’t believe how much information about my fertility and monthly cycle I’d been missing out on for all those years. If you don’t know about cervical fluid yet, you’re in for a whole new understanding of your monthly cycle! Seriously, I think this should be required reading for high school sex ed. OK, so back to talking with your kids about sex.

Here are my top six tips for talking with kids about sex:

1) Answer all questions honestly, but don’t elaborate too much.

Kids don’t need the details of your exploits, the scientific facts should suffice unless they specifically ask you about your personal experiences (but I don’t know any kid who would want to know those details about their parent).

2) Check in and start a conversation

if you notice a change in your child’s body or behavior or if your child seems afraid to bring up the topic.

3) Read a book together

or offer your reading child a book to read on his own and then ask him about it later. Also, ask your child what the kids at school say about sex and debunk any myths.

4) Notice how your child responds.

If she’s shutting down, stop and come back to the topic at another time. Remember, this doesn’t have to be a serious or heavy conversation. You can give accurate information in a fun and playful way too.

5) Make sure that even young children are aware of which parts of their bodies are just for them

and encourage them to assert their boundaries if anyone ever tries to touch them in a way that they don’t like. You may even model it for them, “Stop! I don’t like that! Don’t touch my body.”

6) Talk about sex often and without much fuss.

Treating sex conversations as somehow more significant than other conversations gives kids the message that this is a taboo topic. Instead, treat conversations about sex like any other mundane topic of life. After all, we don’t blush when we talk about food, poop, or sleep. Why should sex be any different?

I hope these tips are helpful for you and I would love to hear about your own experiences of growing up talking (or not) about sex and how you handle this topic with your kids. Please share your story below!

And have a wonderful week, Shelly

September 3, 2013September 3, 2013

Why it’s Important to Read to Your Child Daily

Guest Post

Parenting has its fine moments when you’ve recently given birth and you’re looking at your little angel all snuggled up at home. Like a sponge absorbing every little smell, sight and sound, your child will use everything around him to orient himself and build the foundations of what will become his basic core as a person. According to Dr. Tim Kimmel, author of Raising Kids Who Turn Out Right, building character can help raise your child to be happy, confident and strong to reach his potential in the future. Raising him this way requires a hands-on approach and none exemplifies this method more than reading to your child.

Reading is considered one of the best ways to spend quality time and can act as early training to build a foundation in literary skills as well. A study conducted by the National Academy of Education and the National Institute of Education in 1985, determined that the most important thing a parent or teacher of an early learner can do is to read aloud to him. Apart from laying the groundwork for reading, you’re also teaching your child listening skills that will help him concentrate on what you’re relaying and therefore increase attention span. You, as a parent, can also impart specific values by choosing books that have moral lessons incorporated in the story. All in all, studies have shown that children who have a prior background to reading achieve greater success in systemic reading education. While we thought that bedtime stories are nothing more than little indulgences, it actually provides your child with structure and trains the body to have a regular sleeping pattern.

Think of it this way: won’t it be nice when the earliest memory your child has of you is the time you spent snuggled up on the couch or in bed reading together? The most precious thing we can give children is our time and if we spend it with them, they will remember it when they grow up and are likely to do the same for their kids. Start early. Don’t wait until they’re running up and down the stairs with their iPad in tow. Whisper to them stories while they’re still wrapped in their Marks and Spencer baby clothes looking at you with those glowing eyes and innocent smiles. Believe me, it’s worth it.

June 20, 2013June 21, 2013

The Secret to Improving Your Child’s Attention Span

The way to help children improve their attention span is counter-intuitive. You might think that giving children tasks that require their continued attention would help. Or maybe challenging them to accomplish long and complex sequences will help memory and cognition, improving attention span. But the current research is showing something counter to what we might think.

In fact, research shows that allowing kids to have unstructured playtime can actually improve their ability to focus on a task. In the book “Nurture Shock” by Po Bronson I learned about a kindergarten program which encourages children to choose a character to play in an imaginary play scenario that lasts for several hours. Researchers found that the children who were able to remain in character did better on later academic tests than children who were taught their letters and numbers instead of engaging in imaginary play.

The real take away here is that imaginary play and unstructured playtime are tools that children use to learn real life skills that will benefit them forever. It might seem like “child’s play” to us, but to them, this type of play involves acting out potential scenarios, doing scientific experiments, and using critical thinking skills.

So what’s the secret to improving your child’s attention span?

Offering them big chunks of unstructured time to explore their own interests and engage in imaginary play.

Our daughter Julia wakes up at about 6:30am every day of the week and lately I’ve been helping her get to the bathroom and then climbing back into bed with my husband on the weekends. For several weekends in a row Julia has happily played by herself and allowed us to sleep in.

One morning she found the box of stickers and this is what she did:

I was impressed and here’s why. Not only did she use her fine motor skills to get each of the tiny stickers off of the sticker paper and on to her robe independently. She focused on this task for well over an hour without interruption. She put over a hundred stickers on her robe one by one. And she’s not yet three years old. I think we’re on our way to a very well developed attention span!

The following weekend she impressed me even more. Here’s what she did while we slept:

I love the way that she displayed her finished puzzles and the fact that she also lined the boxes up on the floor was interesting too. And just for the record, this is four 12 piece puzzles, two 24 piece puzzles and a 35 piece puzzle. And she didn’t wake us up for help even once.

So what does your child like to do when given uninterrupted alone time?

When Julia was smaller she would spend up to an hour looking at books in her bedroom. Sure there was a huge pile of books on the floor afterward, but she had entertained herself for an hour…with books! And we did work on putting them away together, so now, she happily puts away most anything she plays with.

Just a quick disclaimer here, safety is very important any time you’re allowing young children to have time alone without direct supervision.

Please make sure that the environment is free of hazards whenever you leave your child alone.

There’s one more secret to helping your child expand his attention span, remembering not to interrupt his work. Again, while it might just seem like meaningless play to us, children are engaged in the work of becoming the adults they hope to be. When we remember to respect their time and attention by refusing to interrupt when they’re engaged or by simply waiting for them to approach us, we’re helping them learn more independence and encouraging their natural urge to go deeply into the subject at hand.

If every time a child becomes engrossed in something he gets interrupted and asked to do something else instead, he’s not as likely to develop a deep and long lasting desire to dive in to his own interests. Instead, he may become overly attuned to the needs and desires of the people around him, believing that it’s more important to do what others require of us than it is to develop our own driving interests.

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention, screen time does NOT count as independent play. In fact, excessive screen time has been linked to shorter attention spans and an inability to focus on real world tasks. So, if you’re in the habit of using the screen to get some time to yourself, I hope you’ll consider some other options.

So this week your challenge, if you choose to accept it, is to allow your kids to have some extra alone time, unstructured playtime, and wide swaths of time when they’re not interrupted. You might be as surprised by the results as I was when I woke up to that table full of puzzles.

Have a great week, Shelly

June 12, 2013June 11, 2013

What to do When Kids Ask Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

The “Why” stage has hit. My daughter cannot seem to stop herself from repeatedly asking why. Almost every kid I’ve known goes through this at some point and if you’re anything like me, you find this incredibly irritating. “Why,” you ask? And I remember the long ago voices of my parents tightly saying, “Because I said so!”

I used to hate that answer but now I think I understand it a bit better. The repetition that I found so comforting and habit forming as a child, is just really very annoying as an adult.

So here’s the approach I take. I like to consider the underlying need that’s being expressed by the question. I think that when kids repeat the question why, they have a need for information. If you think about it, repeating the question why is actually a pretty easy way to get more information about a given topic. But it’s still super annoying. So what can we do about it?

I try to teach my daughter new strategies to meet that need for information.

I give her various options by modeling different ways to ask for what she wants, for instance:

“Can you please tell me more about that?”

“What else?”

“I want to know more!”

or, “Do you have a story about this?”

By helping my daughter to expand her repertoire of ways to get further information about a given topic, I’m addressing her desire, and helping her to get that need met more often. Adults will happily continue to give her more information as long as they’re not irritated by the way she’s asking.

And, by taking this approach, I also feel far less irritated, simply because I’m aware of the =&0=& behind her behavior. When I see this behavior as an attempt to =&1=&, I have a lot more patience for her repetitive questions.

There’s something else I like to do when kids repeatedly ask “Why?”

I give them far more information than they could possibly want on the topic at hand.

I deluge them with details, use large vocabulary words, and talk about the overall processes at hand. This does two things, first it meets a child’s need for information and second, it assumes they’re smart enough to figure out the level of detail I’m providing. My dad is a pro at this approach. By the time I was three I already knew tons of information about how to lay a foundation and use a plum line.

Both of these will support a child’s further learning and growth and I find this to be a fun game to play, rather than an irritation. How much do I really know about why the sky is blue? And exactly why does the water go down the drain? What happens to our trash after the truck picks it up at the curb? And how does our food get to the grocery store?

If you don’t know the answer to your child’s questions, do some research together! The best way for children to grow a voracious appetite for learning is to witness their parents continuing to learn and grow. I’ve noticed that children love to imitate adults and they especially appreciate it when we show our vulnerability and limitations.

Kids feel more connected to us when they realize that we’re all in the same boat, learning and growing together. So instead of getting frustrated by the way they’re asking, let’s try teaching them some new strategies and helping them to figure out ways to learn and do research on their own.

As a child, whenever I didn’t know the definition of a word or how to spell it, my mom always had the same answer, “Look it up!” I didn’t like her response so much then, I would have rather had her tell me how to spell it, but now I feel empowered by my ability to discover the answers to my questions.

The internet is an incredibly useful tool sometimes! And if you don’t want your kids to have the screen time, offer them some analog reference materials. If they’re older, you might even want to assign them a research project complete with a report and presentation at the end. You may be surprised at how much fun it can be for an older sibling to teach the whole family about his area of interest.

After all, the summer is a wonderful time to continue to do research and experimentation. Who says science projects can only happen at school?

If none of these strategies seem to be working in the moment, I like to turn the questions right back around and ask my child what she thinks. “Why do you think it’s that way?” or “Do you have a theory about why that might be?” or even, “Can you tell me what you know about this topic?” By asking a question in response, I’m inviting my child to think about what she knows and how she can share what she knows.

After all, teaching someone else is one of the best ways to learn something.

So there you have it, my simple strategies for how to get rid of the incessant repetition of the question “Why,” and a little bit of inspiration to help your kids continue to learn and discover, even though school’s out.

I hope you’re having a lovely week, Shelly