Wow, I’m feeling some anxiety after just writing the title to this article. We have such a strange relationship to sex, here in the U.S. I mean, we’re parents, right? So obviously we’ve HAD sex in the past, yet now that we have children, there is such a social stigma to talking about sex around children or with our kids. I get it. We want to be responsible and not burden our kids with information that’s inappropriate or confusing for them. And we certainly want to avoid even the possibility of any sexual abuse.
The problem is that by shying away from the important topic of sex all together, we’re actually creating quite a problem. When children don’t know about their body parts or how they work or how babies are made, they make up their own stories about these things or they believe the things their friends tell them and sometimes their ideas about sex are quite a bit off the mark.
When I was about three years old, my very favorite book was “Where Did I Come From?” by Peter Mayle. My parents read it to me often and I loved the whole book. Beginning with some of the false ideas about where babies come from, the book describes in some detail how women’s and men’s bodies differ, exactly what sex is, and how sex resulted in the creation of a baby, namely me! I was fascinated.
In high school I was shocked to discover that some of my friends STILL didn’t know this information. One of the things I like most about the fact that my parents read me this book is that we were always able to talk openly about sex, our bodies, and other “sensitive” topics. The book opened the door to a lifetime of discussion between me and my parents about what our bodies are like, how they function, and how we can best care for them.
I’m certain that I was able to enjoy a healthy sex life as a young woman without getting pregnant because of the openness and discussion I had with my mom. Oh, and also because of the multiple forms of protection against both STI’s and pregnancy that I used. I think that if I had ever experienced any sexual abuse or rape, I would have been able to talk to my mom about it.
Many of my friends didn’t have that kind of open, honest discussion about sex with their parents. Some of them did experience date rape and/or unwanted pregnancies. Now I’m not saying that if their parents had talked to them about sex, these things wouldn’t have happened. But I do think that being equipped with the correct information would have helped them.
So my husband and I are committed to being open and honest with our daughter about the correct names of male and female body parts (we use penis and vulva by the way), how they work, what happens during sex, how she came to be, and what to do if someone touches her body in a way that she doesn’t like. And yes, I still have my childhood copy of “Where Did I Come From?” to read to her when she’s ready.
How do you handle this topic at your house? Do you think we’re on the right track or completely off base? And what was your experience growing up? Did your parents teach you about sex or did you have to guess?
Have a fantastic week! Love, Shelly
One of the things I did, and encourage people to do, is name ‘private parts’ in the same voice, tone, and frequency with which we name others… This is your elbow, fore-arm, wrist, hand… this is your thigh, hip, vulva though most people say vagina (that’s the part inside, we remind them), belly button, stomach…” We try to use words that are anatomically correct, and that aren’t silly (ie, I don’t say ‘tushy’ or call it a ‘bm’ because I felt like those words, on the east coast at least, were an invitation for mocking…. we say bum or butt and poop…
As always, we model for them. My comfort with my own body, an ease about when/where to be naked, etc. is setting the tone for their own acceptance and enjoyment and celebration of their own physical self.
A rather serious reason to teach the “correct” names for parts is that if ever, sadly, a child has to explain to other grown-ups and testify in court, “correct terms” are the only ones that are truly accepted….
@askyourfriendkira @yourfriendkira
@yourfriendkira@askyourfriendkira I like this Kira. Although I almost want to take it a step further and say those body parts with joy and affection. After all I LOVE my breasts and vulva! I agree that our own comfort with our bodies and our ability to model a healthy relationship with our bodies is the best way to ensure that our kids will also honor theirs. Thanks so much for contributing to the discussion!
@AwakeShelly
As children get older, of course, the conversation changes in terms of helping kids realize how they are feeling and what they are doing, like when they start to touch themselves in ways that feel good (early masturbation) and in terms of thinking about it before so your response is thought out and not disproportionate/reactionary if those first times are in public or in front of friends and family who may react in ways that are not aligned with your beliefs.
At the same time, we have to remember that our truths and our personal feelings are not everyone else’s- one mom I know made it clear to me when i was talking about the ease in which we talk at home about body parts and such that in the Catholic church masturbation is a sin, so we have to remember when we talk to kids about their own bodies we are sending the messages that not everyone has the same beliefs.
Early talk about sexuality for us, once the question is about touching and being with other people, always involves the context in which touching and loving go together, when you are older (for us our eldest is 8) and should happen with someone who is kind and who you love. The message that sexual touching goes hand in hand with love is one we hope to pass forward.
Understanding that feeling good doesn’t mean it is always appropriate is a hard one, but important too- some people who are abused are very conflicted because things can “feel good” so helping kids understand that their bodies belong to them, and what is allowed, does have to be supported by us adults.
For me, Helping kids understand that usua
I’m not sure I would give any extra importance to any part when just naming body parts with children, as making sure kids come to their own meaning about their body is important to me. We all talk about what is meaningful to us, and that will convey certain messages- when I talk to my children about nursing them and about how they were born, it is definitely with a celebratory tone and appreciation for those parts and how they worked for me. That said, we’ve had many conversations about how amazing the human hand is- how it grips and turns- and how eyes are amazing- that we can see and focus. We also talk a lot about our brain and how that effects al our experiences… It’s wondrous, the human body!
Thanks for opening this up, Shelly!
My folks were also very sex positive when i was growing up and I’m committed to being the same with my sons.
They got their first exposure to sex ed when the older one was 7. His 5 year old brother was there for the lessons but may not have understood as well.
I’m re-visiting it every 2 years (just did 2nd cycle) and upping the ante with broader applications – this time was more about relationships for the 9 year old.
There are a lot of age-appropriate books at the library which makes it very easy to put resources in their hands which they can review at their own rate.
B-)
@playingwithfear Cool! Thanks for the reminder about library books. I like the idea of focusing on the topic of sex education every so often. My daughter is so fascinated with her body parts right now I imagine we’ll revisit the discussion at least every two WEEKS! 🙂
We have always followed similar practises to the rest of you. We started with ‘Where did I come from’ type books from babyhood and have grown up with slightly more advanced ones as we have gone along. This Xmas I bought teen appropriate books for my 12 and 15 year olds which go more into things like dating etiquette and types of sex for the 15 year old as well as what to do if things look like they might be going horribly wrong when you are out with other people. The social scene has changed so much in the last 25 years and I feel the content of the book covered things that I never had to think about as a teen. My 12 year old went “Eeew there’s so much nudity in this book!’ Which is hilarious since the whole family goes around naked in the bedroom/bathroom area and will go skinny dipping in the pool together. He is so unseflconscious about his body, then he gets all silly about a book. I had to laugh and told him he could read the parts he is interested in as and when he wants to. My hubby grew up very naturally with nudity in his family but only had a brother. I had a brother and no one in our family ever mentioned sex of any kind or went naked ever. I have been determined to do things differently. So far, so good. 🙂
Awesome @JacquiWebb! Yeah, I remember really enjoying “Girls and Sex” which my step-mom gave me when I was 12. It’s funny to think that so many kids your son’s age are sneaking around looking at porn but your son says “Eeew too much nudity!” I love it that you’re so open with them and are encouraging education and discussion with your boys. Maybe they’ll never feel the sexual shame that so many of our generation struggle with!
What you’ve written sounds fantastic and is generally how we’re going about it. A few things to add. We’ve been really natural about sexuality in our home…. keeping that part of our family flow as open and sacred as we (mom and dad) sense that it is to us. We’re totally neutral about it all (no unusual “charge” about sexuality or sex-related body parts) and our children reflect this.
One challenging thing has been social situations where playmates have grown up in different situations and parents have been uncomfortable or had some emotional charge with these body parts, nudity, etc. and our kids get very confused and wonder what the “charge” is for these kids, and, over time, may “take this on” from them. But we can only do what we do at home as the set “culture” for our kids and hope that forms their feelings about it more than anything.
My husband and I also think it’s important not to deliberately hide sexual contact between one another – to a certain extent (common sense) – meaning that we are affectionate with one another openly so that the children can feel this authentic, loving sexual energy and understand it within themselves through being in that energy that it is normal, sacred and cherished between two committed people. It’s the same kind of thing as when you have a disagreement – we don’t feel it’s positive to hide that form of energy either, since having an argument or disagreement is a normal part of life and it’s great for the kids to see us disagreeing and then coming to a resolution. If we had some seriously intense stuff to work out that had some baggage attached to it that we don’t want “passed down” to them, we’d do it in private — again Common Sense as to what degree to “show” these aspects (and being aware of your “dysfunctions” in these realms and not to pass those icky things along) of yourself to your children and how they integrate it.
I’m sure that in tribes that lived in teepees and huts and so forth together that sexuality was embraced and cherished by family. It may have been discreet, but never “hidden” from children. They would have grown up knowing it was happening in the shared space and there would be no fear or charge around it. It was a normal part of everyday life. No child would think that the copulating couple was doing something weird or damaging. No adult would suspect that it was unhelathy for the children to be in the same space nor would they feel concern that this would create sexual attraction between adult and child. Not saying that child “abuse” or rape didn’t happen within tribes (I have no idea) but I think the whole dynamic of secrecy wasn’t even there, which didn’t create the dysfunction like we have today.
Fun topic!
@winlawomyn I hear you about the outside influences. We’re not experiencing much of that yet, but I do trust that we will be our daughter’s primary source of information. I like what you shared about tribal life. I often wonder what it would have been like to live as a hunter/gatherer. I liked your share about being affectionate in front of children, I agree that it’s important not to hide our romantic love from our kids. AND this is an emotionally charged and confusing subject. For instance, I feel comfortable with nudity in front of my child but would not want my daughter to witness a sex act or to see an erect penis. I’m wishing my friend Mary McClure would chime in here! Thanks for your thought provoking share!
@AwakeShelly Yes I think our instincts can guide us on this, so long as we have a clear path to access our intuition and inner knowing. Again think of how we’d have lived in tribes, pre advertising, pre pornography, pre labels surrounding fear-driven dysfunctional sexual acts, etc. …. tribal peoples wouldn’t be wandering around the family home naked and overtly aroused. People wouldn’t be having wild and crazy sex out in the open. They understood the sacredness of the act and had respect for the creative, intimate qualities it carried. It would be engaged in with respect, discreetly, and would have a loving, mysterious quality to it. It would be natural for the children to feel the subtle energy on a level that they likely weren’t fully aware of what was going on, but they new that it was natural, positive and loving, and took place between mature (adult) members of the tribe.
Children shouldn’t be exposed to anything outright because they couldn’t integrate it at a young age, and it could be damaging. I think we all can sense inside of us what is “too much information” in this department. When children themselves become mature, ripe sexual beings they will feel the natural urge to explore sexuality with another person.
Really it all feels very instinctual and obvious and our culture puts a whole bunch of junk in the way that causes us parents to feel so confused. But if we look inside ourselves, I do think we know in our hearts how to approach it.
Yes, @winlawomyn I love what you’ve written here. But what do you think about the sexual play that sometimes happens between children? Is that a function of our culture or is something else at play? I’ve heard stories about children engaging in mock sex acts in tribal cultures (and I might have even seen a TV program about that) and the adults just ignore it or laugh it off. But in our culture it seems like parents become very concerned when children engage in this kind of play. To me, it seems perfectly natural that children will explore their bodies and imitate adults, just as they do with any other imaginary play. What do you think about this? Maybe I’ll feel differently when my daughter wants to play “doctor” with the neighbor boy, and while I might encourage a different game, I hope I won’t freak out about it.
Hi Shelly, reading your article, and wondering what the “multiple forms of protection against both STI’s and pregnancy” were that you used. I’ve got condoms in my wallet in case I get lucky 🙂 What else did you use?
@NicholasCarter I guess I could have been more accurate. Technically it’s been multiple forms of protection against pregnancy along with barriers which prevent the spread of STI’s. I’ve more commonly used condoms and birth control pills in conjunction but I’ve also used spermicides and female condoms, as well as avoiding pregnancy by engaging in oral sex instead of vaginal intercourse. You might also consider using gloves and dental dams if you want to practice the safest sex.
@AwakeShelly@NicholasCarter If you have a committed long term partner, the best way to prevent pregnancy is FAM (Fertility Awareness Method — No this isn’t “the rhythm method”) Katie Singer’s book is excellent for learning about this among others. You can likely find a course locally in FAM if you search your local community college or ask around 🙂
@AwakeShelly@NicholasCarter I also wanted to mention that I think it’s important to learn FAM well (and even better to practice it to understand it) and then teach it to our children (male and female) during puberty so that they can be empowered in their bodies and sexual health, as well as in tune with their partners and prevent unwanted pregnancies. Being aware of when you are fertile and when you are not is very straight forward… and empowering on other levels as well. Once a woman understands her cycle in this great a depth, she’ll have much greater understanding of the overall health of her body and how to support her well being in different phases of her cycle.
Oh @winlawomyn I totally agree. I didn’t learn FAM until I was trying to get pregnant and I couldn’t BELIEVE that I hadn’t had the information sooner. I wish they would teach FAM in junior high school sex ed classes! @NicholasCarter
At this point, my 6 year old son understands that a baby grows in a mom’s belly and that there is a magical day of conception (we celebrate his conception day). He understands that a woman has a cycle and releases an egg based on the cycles of the moon (he thinks this is amazing) and bleeds the “nest of blood” out that would have held the baby. He’s seen menstrual blood and knows that when mom is bleeding that she does less those days and he honours that. He knows that the mom has an egg and the dad has the seed. He has not yet asked how that seed gets to the egg inside the mother and I trust that’s because he’s not ready to know yet. He discovered when he was four that if he touches and rubs his penis for a while that it becomes erect. Despite that discovery, he’s not even slightly interested in masturbating yet and I’m curious as to others if their children at this age are interested in masturbating… I have heard stories from another mother that her daughter mastrubates frequently and it’s been challenging for mom with how to negotiate that. That’s a toughie because you don’t want them to think it’s “unacceptable” by other people, just that it’s a private thing…. I guess that’s how you go about that.
Anyways, at this point that’s all my boy knows. I don’t offer any more information than what he asks for, and when he asks, I answer with love, magic and truth, buecause, as others are saying below, our bodies ARE magical. I speak of ALL things that happen in the body and in nature as amazing and magical, and keep the overtone of loving neutrality in that I don’t pass along any dysfunctional cultural “noise” with it.
Great discussion!
Cool! Thanks @winlawomyn I love hearing about what your son knows in more depth. Funny, it hadn’t even occurred to me to teach my daughter about my monthly moon time yet (maybe because I’m not having it due to such frequent nursing) but I think it’s AWESOME that your son is so well informed about a woman’s cycle. I wish all little boys got that education. I bet a lot more men would be much more compassionate and understanding about a woman’s cycle if they had learned about it as a young child.I do think that managing a young child’s public masturbation can be a big challenge for parents, but I agree, it’s just about setting boundaries about where and when, not about suppressing those desires. Thanks so much for your contributions to this discussion! Hugs to you.