Tired of hearing NO!? Help your kids say YES!

Photo by Suzette Hibble

The other day I was chatting with a friend and she was complaining that whenever she sees her niece all she remembers from the experience is lack of cooperation and a seeming mantra of “No! No! No!”  Her sister follows her niece around asking questions like “how about this?” or “what about that?”  And the constant refrain is, “no, no, no.”

Wow, can I relate.  I do not enjoy hearing “no” so in my work with kids I’ve learned some great strategies to avoid and get around the “no.”  And then at other times, I’ve chosen to accept the no by tuning in to the yes behind the no.  If you think about it, there’s always something we’re saying yes to, and often it’s related to the thing we’re saying no to.  For instance, when I say no to a candy bar, I’m saying yes to my health and well-being.

On the other side of the spectrum I just visited some friends who do their best to say yes as much as possible and refuse to even use the word “no” with their son.  I think that’s a fantastic practice since “yes!” often produces much more connection and excitement than “no.”  How can you translate your no’s into yeses this week?

When I remember that kids are constantly trying to figure out the rules of life, the boundaries of those around them, and their own sense of autonomy and power I can understand why they would start using a powerful “no” just about as soon as they turn 2 years old.  By remembering what kids are up to developmentally, I’m able to connect with those underlying needs, and I immediately have more compassion for the little one crying “NO!” with all her might.

So let’s start with what to do when you have the most capacity for compassion and we’ll move toward situations that are more challenging.  When you’re well rested, well fed and feeling great, you can actually enjoy your child’s “no.”  You might offer some empathy, “Wow, you feel really strongly about that, huh?” Or provide a new perspective, “I see, so you’re saying ‘no’ to getting in the car because you’re saying ‘yes’ to playing with your toys.  What else can we say yes to right now?”

By pointing out the yes behind the no, you can help your child recognize what he’s saying yes to in a given moment.  And that’s a great skill because it encourages a positive outlook and the ability to focus on what he’s enjoying rather than ruminating about what he doesn’t want.

Then again, sometimes you’ve got to get to the grocery store or to her sister’s soccer game.  So in cases where there’s really no choice and you want your child to comply, try a more directive phrase rather than asking a question.  “It’s time to get in the car now.  Let’s go.” Works better than, “Are you ready to go?”  This is especially effective with younger kids, but it works with older kids too, and here’s why.

When you ask a question, you’re implying that there’s a choice.  But when it’s just a habitual way of reminding your child to comply with your implicit demand, it comes off as false and kids end up feeling frustrated and forced.

Here’s a challenge for the coming week:  Every time you want your child to do something consider whether it’s a demand or a request.  If it’s a request, then ask and accept your child’s answer even if it’s “no.”   A great phrase to use for a true request is, “Would you be willing to…?” If on the other hand it’s actually a demand, use more directive language without asking a question.

If you practice this over time, your children will begin to recognize that sometimes there are true requests and it’s OK to say no, and the no will be respected.  Other times there are demands and even if they protest you’ll follow through because you’re in charge and this is what’s best for your family. By having a balance of the two, you’ll help create feelings of satisfaction and autonomy through your true requests and a deep sense of safety at the times when they know it’s best to defer to your decision.

Try to remember to be engaging and inviting, even when you’re making a demand though.  Children ultimately want peace and safety in the parent-child relationship.  So making lots of demands and having little compassion for your child’s protests will not build the trusting connection you most want.  But tuning in to their needs and desires can go a long way to building that trust and connection.  “I see that you really want to stay at the park and play and I wish we could stay longer, but it’s time to go now.  Wanna race me to the car?”

Another great way to handle a “no” is to bring your sense of humor to the interaction.  You can pretend that you’re devastated or inept, “Oh no!  What will I do without your help?  I’m not sure I’ll be able to do it all by myself.”  Or pretend to be a servant, “May I take your plate to the sink my liege?”

Now for the yeses, in order to create a new habit of “yes” to replace the habit of saying “no” to everything, it’ll take some practice.  I recommend taking some time every day to ask your child questions that she’s bound to say yes to.  “Is your favorite color yellow?” or “Do you love it when Buster licks your face?” and even, “Want some ice cream for desert?”

Even more important than asking questions that will produce a yes, modeling an enthusiastic “YES!” to life whenever you can will change the culture of your home.  After all, there’s always something to say yes to, don’t you think? …I thought so 🙂