I’ve been reading a bunch of stuff online lately about nursing and co-sleeping becoming a wedge between parents and negatively affecting their sex lives. Sure, sleeping with a baby causes us to change the timing and sometimes the location of sex, but my husband and I have found a great way to keep romance alive while I’m nursing and co-sleeping with our daughter. We like to call it “date nap”.
I had thought that my daughter would be a more sound sleeper than she is. Both her father and I LOVE to sleep, but she seems more worried about missing out on things than concerned about her beauty sleep and she tends to awaken at least once and sometimes several times in the evening. Since I often nurse her back to sleep at that time, having a date night and leaving her with a sitter, hasn’t been an option that I’m willing to try.
Honestly, these days I’d really rather be home with my daughter than out on the town, but skipping date night all together sounds like a recipe for disaster in our marriage. We absolutely love spending time just the two of us. So, we came up with a solution that works well for us- date nap. Whether it’s during the day on the weekend or in the evening after she’s in bed, my husband and I watch movies, soak in the hot tub, talk, and have sex, while our daughter peacefully sleeps.
I can see how this would become even more challenging if we had an older child who was no longer napping, but I still think that if we prioritize our romantic relationships, we can enjoy thriving sex lives AND raise confident, self-assured, well attached kids. That is to say, I can continue to nurse on demand and co-sleep with my daughter without jeopardizing my marriage.
In fact, my husband is just as committed to our nursing and to everyone getting the best possible sleep as I am. So he’s willing to get creative about our love life in order to ensure the best start for our daughter. If I’m honest, I think he actually enjoys the fact that we have to sneak around and sometimes end up in unusual locations. It’s always a good idea to change things up once in a while, we wouldn’t want to get into a rut!
So this week, take stock, is your sex life suffering because of your commitment to your kids? If so, is there a way you can integrate great sex back into your life even while you remain true to your parenting values? I would love to hear what you think about “date nap” and would enjoy any other suggestions you have for keeping your sex life alive and vibrant while raising kids. Please leave me a comment.
Have a wonderful, sensual, fun, and connected week, Shelly
P.S. If you’re in the SF Bay area (or are willing to travel there), my friends Erwan and Alecia have a fantastic live course called the Pleasure Course that will completely transform your sex life and help you experience more connection and pleasure than you ever knew was possible. Seriously, these guys are the real deal.
i just cant seem to find the energy or the interest to have sex. my angel is almost 2 years old and when he gets to sleep, after my full day, i jsut need me time.. quiet silent time, i really dont feel like connecting wiht anyone else. i know this is not great, not healthy but its how i feel
Hey Nayana, I hear you. Life with a child can certainly be exhausting! What about making time during the day to connect? Personally, I have a lot more energy for intimate connections earlier in the day. Thanks for your comment!
Hugs, Shelly
Another suggestion… try switching over to an energizing type of sex, rather than the conventional, more draining type. There is a great book called “Tantric Orgasm for Women”, and another called “Cupid’s Poisoned Arrow” that talks about how to have gentle sex that promotes bonding (the same principals behind attachment parenting apply to marriage as well!). I find that even now as my pregnant belly is ENORMOUS and I have very little energy, this kind of sex is effortless and very enjoyable.
Here is an article that talks about parent-parent bonding:
http://www.lfrvfamilies.com/forum/topics/parent-parent-bonding
Hey Giovanna, Thanks for sharing all of this! It’s so great to remember that there are different types of sex and that some could be more energizing. And I like the link too. Parent to parent bonding is SO important. Hugs to you!
Shelly,
Thanks for keeping me aware. I know in my relationship there is ‘sexual’ tension. mostly because he is always ready for it, and as Nayana said, when the kids go to bed, and I am finally kid free, all I can think about is what I what to do by myself. There just are not enough hours in the day :O(
I think something that I am aware of though is that I am not getting the emotional side of the relationship from my significant other that I might be needing. The little things really count. And most likely its an ugly cycle, I don’t have my needs met, he doesn’t have his met.
I read a book called ‘Daily devotions for couples’ By David and Teresa Ferguson. I find it has some really positive points on how to bridge that gap. I also like Giovanna’s suggestion.
Thanks again for keeping me aware :O)
Jaime
Hey Jaime, Thanks for sharing! I hear you about needing more emotional connection. It seems like (in general) guys need physical connection in order to feel emotional connection and women need the emotional connection in order to be open to a physical connection.
Personally, I find that if my emotional connection tank in running low, I need to reach out to my girlfriends, pronto! After some good feminine connection, I am much more open to my husband and appreciate all the little things that I otherwise might not have noticed. Thanks too for the book suggestion. I’m so happy to have you here! Hugs, Shelly