It seems like just about the time we feel we’ve given all we can and we need some “me time” kids suddenly need even more from us. We can become frustrated and resentful and begin to give out of obligation or guilt, rather than giving from true generosity. If that’s what’s happening for you, my invitation for this week is to take a break, stop giving for a moment, and reset.
See, the adults in the household are the ones who create the culture of the home, and if you’re spewing out frustration, resentment, and irritation, then pretty soon, you’ll start to see those same sentiments emanating from your kids.
On the other hand, if you can take a step back for a moment and really consider what kind of culture you WANT to have in your home, you can absolutely create that for yourself and your family. With a little bit of foresight a strong commitment to consistency, you can have the kind of cooperation, kindness, care and generosity you most want to permeate your family.
But here’s the trick, YOU have to model for your kids exactly who and how you want them to be. Here are some steps to get you headed in the right direction:
Step 1- Take care of your self. Are there ways in which you’ve been neglecting yourself? Are you getting enough rest, nourishment, exercise, and alone time? If not, brainstorm with a friend or partner about what you can do differently so that you can take better care of yourself. When you’re well rested, nourished, and feeling great, you’re much more likely to be the example you want to be for your kids.
Step 2- Goal setting and values identification. Think about the values and qualities that are most important to you. Is kindness and cooperation at the top of your list? Or do you prefer independence and self-direction? Do you want your children to love and care for each other or just to stop hitting one another? By setting some goals and identifying your highest values you can begin to create a plan of action.
Step 3- Model the behavior you want. This is the most challenging step by far, but if you are committed to creating the kind of culture in your home that you most want, it all starts with you. When you get frustrated, angry, whiney, and irritable, you’re teaching your kids the very behaviors that you don’t enjoy. So, this week, practice whining and venting with a friend during naptime, instead of in front of your kids. And when you’re with your kids, practice generosity, kindness, or whatever qualities embody your highest values.
Step 4- Give positive feedback when you notice your kids embodying your highest values. This week, encourage your kids to give help and support to one another and to their friends then share with them about how happy, excited, and joyful you feel when you see them sharing and cooperating. Let older children know how grateful you feel when you seem them treating younger siblings with kindness and care. By noticing the things you WANT, you’re encouraging even more of those things to happen every day.
I’ve seen families turn sibling conflict into cooperation and kindness in a matter of weeks using these steps. I hope they’re helpful for you and I would love to hear about your experiences in actively creating the culture of your home. Please share a question or comment below.
Have a fantastic week! Warmly, Shelly
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