As a child of divorce myself, I can share my own experience to help you navigate your separation in the way that will best support your children and allow them to adjust to the new reality of having two separate homes. I may write more on the topic of healing or ending your romantic relationship, but today let’s focus on how you can help your children thrive, even in the midst of your separation.
Please note, I’m writing this article with the assumption that you were married and that both parents will continue to be involved in your children’s lives. If that’s not the case, there are still some points that will be helpful, but others may not apply or you may need to change the language to suit your needs, for instance, you can replace the word spouse with girlfriend/boyfriend/partner as needed. My hope is that all children will be encouraged to have some connection and relationship to both of their parents whenever possible.
1. Be honest, but don’t share too many details
Children, especially those under 5 years old, need clear and consistent messages that they can rely on. Being wishy washy or confused about whether you’ll divorce or get back together is fine within your adult relationship, but be careful not to draw your children into your indecision. Children need to understand the hard facts so that they can adjust to their new reality. And they are not your emotional support system. Rather, you are theirs, so if you find yourself talking to your kids about your relationship, please stop, refer to number 5 below, or call a friend.
Your kids also need a consistent message from both parents, so it’s important to get on the same page with your spouse on this point. What is our message to the children and can we both agree to share a consistent message? Perhaps you’ll say something like, “Mom and Dad have decided to live separately for the next 6 months. We both still love you and that will never change, but right now, we need space from each other.”
If your older child asks follow up questions about why or what happens after 6 months, you can let them know that adults have complicated relationships and that you haven’t decided yet, but try to keep your responses concise and consistent, without a lot of emotional content (whenever possible). And never ever share the details of your upset with your spouse with a child under 12.
2. Remind them that you’ll love them no matter what and none of this is their fault
I’m sure you’ve noticed that young children are very self-centered. Because of this developmentally appropriate inability to focus on others along with a tendency to think that the world revolves around them, children often assume that when bad things happen, it’s their fault. It’s important to make sure that your kids know that your love for them and the other parent’s love for them will not change, just because you’re no longer living together. They should also be reminded that your decision to live separately has absolutely nothing to do with them. This is one thing my parents did right during their divorce, and I’m certain that it made a positive impact on me to know for sure that both of my parents still loved me no matter what and that I didn’t cause their problems.
3. Be kind to your spouse
OK, I know this one sounds like a tall order right now, this was one of the most traumatic aspects of my own parent’s divorce. They were furious with each other and they let me see it. I heard them yelling at each other over the phone. There were slammed doors. And the tension between them was palpable for YEARS. In fact, for most of my life I believed that while they both loved me, my parents hated each other. That was a difficult burden to bear, especially since they were my whole world at 5 years old.
So, if you’re able to maintain civility with your spouse, please do so. It’s OK to argue in front of the kids, but only if you make up in front of them too. It’s also OK to have lots of feelings about your spouse that you don’t share with your kids. But in order for children to feel safe and secure, it’s important to show them that even though you’ve chosen to live separately, you still respect each other, and you support one another’s right to have a good and healthy relationship with your children.
Obviously if there is sexual or physical abuse happening, this may not be possible. But even in cases of abuse, it’s important for children to be allowed to maintain some contact with their parent if that’s what they want. Every child is different and will process their experiences differently. In the case of abuse, rely on a therapist, social worker, or other healthcare professional to help you decide how much contact and what kind to allow.
This is something my parents did right. Even though they weren’t able to maintain a civil tone with each other, they did ensure that I got to see and have relationships with each of them and that was a huge gift. I am so incredibly grateful to have such a close relationship with each of my biological parents, even though neither of them are perfect and they both made mistakes.
So please do your best not to villainize your spouse to your children. No matter how tempting it might be to punish your spouse by keeping them away from your kids, remember that these types of actions will ultimately harm your children much more than they will teach your spouse a lesson.
4. Talk about their feelings
Providing emotional support for your kids is one of your most important jobs as you navigate your separation. They may not be ready to talk about their feelings about the separation in particular, but even so, you can talk about their feelings about all sorts of other things. Kids may not even realize that their upset about a situation at school could actually be related to their upset about your separation, and that’s perfectly OK. The crucial piece is to make sure you’re talking about feelings regularly and helping your child make sense of their emotional world.
I highly recommend the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This book has helped me navigate many conflicts and has taught me how to respond with true empathy (it may not be what you think) as well as how to give myself empathy. These skills will help increase your child’s emotional intelligence which will make a huge positive impact for him throughout his life.
5. Get yourself some therapy
It’s super important to maintain your own health and wellbeing as much as possible during this stressful and challenging time. Therapy, coaching, or counseling is an absolute must for your emotional wellbeing as you navigate your separation and make decisions about how to proceed.
Self-care is the key to being able to be there for your kids right now. For some, that might look like extra baths with essential oils, late night phone calls with friends, or a weekend getaway. For others it’s getting to the gym regularly, eating healthier, or reading an inspiring book. Tune in to yourself and find several things you can do to support your own journey, so that you can be even more available to support your children during this transition.
6. One on one time with each child
This is a good practice, even when you’re not dealing with challenges. Kids need to know that they are important to you and one of the ways they know that they matter is when we set aside a specific time to spend with them, one on one. Turn off your phone and take your kiddo on a picnic, to a park, for some other activity, or just play together in the back yard. Give your child your full and undivided attention and do the things that make them feel cherished.
You may want to check out the book The Five Love Languages of Children by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell. Once you know what your child’s primary and secondary love languages are, you’ll be more likely to find effective ways to fill up their love tank.
Do make sure you’re actually enjoying the time together too though. If you’re miserable, your one on one time with your child will flop. So find an activity you’ll both enjoy. For bonus points, tell your child 5 things you love about them and why you’re grateful for them.
7. Never use your kids as a bargaining chip
This is the #1 biggest pitfall you face as you navigate your separation. If you threaten to take the kids, seek full custody, or infringe on your spouse’s parental rights even a little bit, you’re doing your kids a huge disservice. Instead, be an advocate for their relationship with your spouse. Even though you no longer choose to live together, you obviously both want what’s best for your kids. And the research is clear, relationships with multiple loving adults provide better outcomes for kids.
Do your best to separate your own feelings about your spouse from those of their beloved children. Try to find opportunities to support their continued connection. Agree on a schedule and then stick to it as closely as possible. Children need consistency and clarity to feel safe and secure. So if every Friday night is pizza night at Daddy’s house, they’re more likely to relax into the routine and adjust to the new normal.
8. Spend some time in nature
Time in nature reduces your blood pressure and cortisol levels and exposes you to microbes that can actually make you happier! Studies have shown that even just 10 minutes in nature can make a significant positive impact on your mood and stress hormone levels. So, if you’re feeling blue or not sure what to do, go outside!
Teaching kids to use time in nature to help them de-stress, get a bit of exercise, and enjoy the sights and smells of the natural world is setting them up for future success. Finding effective strategies to handle their big feelings will be a huge asset for them later in life.
9. If the kids show signs of distress, get them some therapy or a support group too
My parents tried to send me to therapy when they first divorced but the therapist said I was handling things well and didn’t need the extra help. Two years later when my parents were locked in a custody battle and I was having unexplained stomach aches every day, my dad’s girlfriend, who happened to be a social worker and would later become my step mom, recommended that I get some professional support.
I was missing my mom terribly and wasn’t coping well. So she recommended that my dad sign me up for some group therapy with some other kids who were experiencing a similar situation. It was enormously helpful to know that I wasn’t alone and to get to play games and talk about my situation openly with other kids, as well as an adult. It’s not the kind of thing we talked about on the playground at school.
So if your child is having regular emotional outbursts, crying daily, having unexplained physical symptoms, or seems disconnected from their feelings entirely, get some professional help for them. In my opinion, it is always worth the cost of therapy to help a kid through a difficult transition.
10. If you’re dating, save the introductions until after the divorce is final, and even then, tread very lightly
I’m going to be blunt here. Until your divorce is final, please DO NOT introduce your kids to your new fling. It can be extremely confusing for kids to meet someone as the “babysitter” or “friend” only to later discover that they are in fact your new romantic partner. Just don’t go there. Depending on your state’s divorce laws, this could also cause you a whole bunch of trouble as you negotiate your divorce.
In fact, even after a finalized divorce, please tread lightly in this area. Meeting a string of people you’re casually dating is not helpful for your children. Only introduce your kids to a new romantic interest if you’re getting serious and the kids have had some time to process the truth that their parents will not be getting back together.
Also, don’t watch The Parent Trap, or any other movie that could give your kids false hope about you getting back together. But do read books about separation and divorce and answer their questions as honestly as possible while keeping their development in mind.
I guess I had quite a bit to say on this topic! May your relationships with your children continue to grow and thrive, even as you navigate your separation from your spouse or partner.
Warmly, Shelly