The dangers of praise

Although we tend to think of praise as beneficial to kids, recent research has shown that certain kinds of praise are actually detrimental to young people.  When we tell kids they’re “good” the unintended effects are that children begin to fear being seen as “bad”.

Personally, I think all kids are good all the time.  They’re just easier or more difficult for us to deal with based on their behavior, but that doesn’t make them “bad”, just more challenging for us.  But if we tell kids they’re good or talented or smart, the surprising consequence is that they tend to freeze up and become afraid of being seen as bad or un-talented or stupid.

In one study I read, kids were divided into two groups.  Each group was given an easy puzzle to solve.  After they completed the puzzle one group was told, “You’re so smart!” and the other group was told, “Wow, you tried really hard on that!”.  Then they were offered the opportunity to redo the easy puzzle or to try a more challenging one.

The kids who were told they were smart chose the easy puzzle more often, probably fearing that if they failed, they wouldn’t be praised as “smart” anymore.  On the other hand, the group who were told they tried hard were eager to challenge themselves and often chose the more difficult puzzle.  After all, even if they failed, they would still get praise for trying, so there’s nothing to lose!

So, this week, instead of simply telling your kids they’re “good”, try offering some effort based praise like, “I could really see how much thought you put into that.”  And if you’re having a difficult time removing “Good boy!” from your vocabulary, try “Good job!” instead.

But what about the times when you tell your child he’s good because you want to express love and approval of who he is, not just what he’s tried or accomplished?  In that case, I’d recommend sharing what’s on your heart in a more specific way.  Also, try to focus on the impact on you.  For instance, if you look over at your child and feel your heart warm and a smile appear on your face you could share, “Oh sweetie, I love you so much.  My  life is so wonderful with you in it.”  Or “Every time I see your face I feel so happy.”  Or even, “Being your mom is so much fun for me!”

And, if you want to encourage specific ways of being or behaviors, it’s ok to share, “I’m really appreciating how generous you were with your sister today.”  Or “Thank you so much for resisting the urge to hit, I’m so proud of you!”  That way, you’re giving your child specific information about what pleases you, rather than a blanket, “good girl” which can be confusing for a young child.

One last point- would you ever tell an adult friend that they’re “such a good woman/man”?  Probably not.  If you think about it, it’s a little bit disrespectful to tell kids that they’re good or bad, when we would never speak that way to an adult.  Sure, we can help them understand that their behavior can have a tendency to produce pleasure or pain for others, but I would rather teach my child that each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own emotions, instead of teaching her to blame others for her feelings or to take responsibility for other people’s feelings.

I’ll write more about emotional responsibility in a future blog, but for now, have a great week and enjoy sharing more detail with your child about why you’re so happy with him.  And don’t forget, praising their efforts helps kids want to take healthy risks and learn and grow even more.

Have a fantastic week, Shelly